I think only one person knows this about me, but I get anxiety sometimes. I can't say whether it's chronic or medical, but it's real.
The first time I can pinpoint that I have anxiety was when I was at a Christmas party at my older brother's friends' house. There were a lot of people I didn't know, and I had already been around people
all day. As an introvert, I decided that I needed some alone time. I went into a room that looked empty, but there was already someone in there. My memories actually get fuzzy here. I remember I felt too warm, almost sick to my stomach, my heart was beating abnormally fast, and I couldn't breathe. The weird thing is, I remember swinging my head around, panicked, even though I know that never happened. I don't know if that gets the idea of sheer terror across to you, but it certainly does for me.
For the rest of the evening, I was incredibly uncomfortable. I was shyer than usual and wanted nothing more than to leave. There was even a little bit of depression following my panic attack.
The next few weeks were a lot better. I wasn't having panic attacks, but I was always scared that I would. The day before Superbowl Sunday was my next horrible outbreak. I was stressed about getting my school done, since if I wasn't done with everything, my grades were in jeopardy. Instead of working harder, I panicked. I couldn't breathe and basically just collapsed on my floor and sobbed for far too long.
I think part of anxiety for me is just feeling things to strongly. When I'm in line and people are smooshing against me, I freak out. If I start crying for whatever reason, I can't stop. When I get scared or upset, I start shaking. I feel nauseas or need to use the restroom if I even get a little excited.
When I hear people laughing, I feel like they're laughing at me. I fear that I'll lose my friends or that if I do something that I need to, people will judge me for it. I can't order my own food or answer the phone sometimes. Even forcing myself to talk to my friends is hard, even though I really want to.
I make up crazy scenarios in my head and blame everything one myself. Everything.
Recently, I haven't suffered too badly with my symptoms except a little in social situations and with my dad. It's sad how much someone who I've know my whole life can worry me. My dad is an analyst. He makes sure that everything is right. I know that's important, but it's hell when I'm trying to do my schoolwork. I cannot do Spanish oral work if he's in the room. Last time I tried, I almost had a panic attack. I couldn't force myself to speak and I stalled, hoping that he'd finish what he was doing and leave. Finally, I burst out crying, and he got the idea.
I'd really rather this didn't happen. I'd rather be able to practice Spanish in front of my dad and maybe even hold a conversation with someone. I just can't. It's not my choice to have crippling anxiety, and it's not fun or cute.
I don't know when I might randomly have a panic attack. So I guess I'm just telling all of you guys so I know someone knows. I don't mean to say that I want pity, I just want support. I don't need advise, that rarely helps. I think I just need to know I'm not alone. And if you have anxiety and no one knows, I'd reccomend telling someone you really trust. It's incredibly freeing. You're not alone in your struggle, it's estimated that roughly 40 million adults in the United States alone have chronic anxiety.
