Love

Love comes in so many forms. 

Pity is not love.

I feel so loved coming out of Shine 2016. My real friends are just the best. My family is the best. 

As always, when I didn't break, there were the "I'm so sorry"s. Those are the worst. People who don't know or love me only care about how well I did and don't realize how much I hate pity.  

My friends were so supportive. They are one of the biggest blessings in my life, reminding me that if I gave 100% for God, He is pleased, that they first became friends with me before I broke and that me not breaking won't ruin our relationship, and even complimenting unrelated things (hair, face, body, clothes). It means the world that they love me no matter how I place and that I can succeed in other areas of my life. 

My mom was amazing at this tournament. She had such an important job that kept her really busy, but she always took out time when I needed her. She's one of the only people who knows how hard I worked and so when she hugged me, it wasn't pity; it was understanding. She saw the work I put into preparing my speeches. She knew how much it would mean to me to break, but reminded me that I have other opportunities and that she loves me no less than my wildly successful siblings. 

My sister didn't lord it over me when she did better than me. She did call me selfish, but in general, she contained her excitement that she could have used to make me feel like nothing. 

My brother hugged me because he knows I love hugs (even though he doesn't). He's the reason I started in NCFCA and met all my amazing friends to start with.

Thank you guys. 

I love you. 

Truce

  There are no words I can use to explain how much this song means to me. Every word touches me in a way nothing ever has before. It combines all the beauty and tragedy of living and tells me it's worth it.

"I hope I'm not my only friend."

  This line breaks my heart. No matter how many words of affirmation I'm given, I never feel good enough. I always feel alone. In a way, it's my fault. I let anxieties and fears hold me back from new opportunities to not be alone because of what's happened in the past. Yet, in another way, I can't entirely control it. It's not a choice to start shaking, hyperventilating, or have heart palpitations whenever I talk to someone. It's not a choice that when a relationship doesn't work I feel entirely like a failure and empty. 

  I've learned to love myself, but I still don't really like myself. I take care of myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually, but it's only out of a sense of responsibility, not because I think I deserve it. I want friends to help, but they don't have that responsibility, so they'd have to like me, which seems impossible.

  

2016: The Year of My Truce

  I can't stand being alone, especially now that I've come to terms with the fact that it's because of me. The only "New Year's Resolution" is to be more open to new friendships. Instead of feeling sorry for myself when I'm alone, I'll make an effort to not be alone. Otherwise, I'm just hurting everyone. If my mental health is ever in jeopardy, I'll pull back.

   The truce is very simple- I'll pursue joy and relationships, but I won't let complacency or fear of rejection hold me back. I think it's the best way to combat depression. Preventing loneliness by surrounding myself with good, supportive people and shaking myself out of this stupor of pretending to be okay when I'm anything but which I've been in for three years. It's time for change. It's time for happiness. It will be hard to achieve, but that's why it's a truce. 

  No matter what happens, I'll stay alive.