Relationships of any type are extremely difficult when you feel worthless and unlovable. It can breed jealousy, resentment, and worse self-hatred. How do I know this? It is the world of isolation I've lived in for the past three years.
Ever since I was little, I've been shy. It's so easy to just let friends come to me. After a few failed attempts to make friends at twelve, I shut myself off. Shyness, anxiety, and depression have thrived in the dark clam shell I created for myself. I've always blamed the people who initially hurt me. They did, after all, cause all the pain and fear of rejection that I have to deal with. Even so, some of the blame, perhaps most of it, rests on me.
How many times have I pushed good people away? How many people who feel the same way I do have I failed to help? Have I caused the same feeling of nothingness and ostracization?
My isolation is partially my fault. When I was hurt to begin with, I didn't deal with the problems correctly. I let my fears get the best of me and don't add to conversations. I avoid looking at people because I think they'll see all my flaws or say something cruel. Until the past week, whenever depression would rear its ugly head, I would let it take over me instead of fighting or asking for help. One time, a friend was upset, and for whatever reason, I didn't sit with her. And I wonder why I feel isolated.
There are so many people who care about me that I ignore. When I was crying, a group of amazing girls ushered me outside and listened to my problems. Though some people do exclude me from circles of conversation, others welcome me. People who I barely know congratulate me when I do well or send me nice messages when they think I need it.
"Goner" has a very special place in my heart, and the lyrics are becoming increasingly more important and urgent as time passes. The whole album Blurryface is about the lead singer's, Tyler's, insecurities. He takes them and makes them into the person named Blurryface. As the album goes on, you listen through Tyler's journey fighting Blurryface, and by the end, he realizes that Blurry is not who he is as a person. Blurryface is something that needs to be taken out, and "Goner" is his cry for help. Well, here's my cry for help. Please help me overcome my fears, insecurities, and anxieties, because if you don't, they will win. I don't want to think about what would happen if they won.
I know it's my fault that I'm so sad, lonely, scared, and isolated. But if the past few months have shown me anything, it's that I don't have to carry this burden alone. My friend Anna has tried to convince me of that, but I think it's something that I needed to realize for myself. God made me in His image, which gives me a certain kind of worth. That human worth is what ties us together, and so I deserve to be allowed to ask for help simply by being alive.
If anyone's held on to this point, thank you. I'm not sure exactly what I need you guys to do for me, but any kind of quality time is nice. Quality time is my love language, so words of affirmation or a couple of hugs won't help me as much as they help other people. If you see me, smile or wave so I know I can talk to you. If I sit with you, please, please acknowledge that I'm there.
I want to be a better friend. But that's the end goal, not something I can do right away. Until I can be certain of my worth, that I'll be okay if one person rejects me, and that I am lovable, being a good friend will be hard, if not impossible.
