National Best Friends Day

  I wish I could be happy this Best Friends Day. I wish I could say I was happy and secure in all of my relationships. Truth is, today got me more unhinged than I've been in weeks. Opening Instagram, I see my friends talking about how much they love each other, but no one mentioning me.

  It's so insignificant, but it really gets to me. People tell me that they love me, but usually only at times when I've expressed that I feel lonely. No one cares about me enough to immediately think to talk or post about it. I'm not in the forefront of anyone's mind.

Isolation

  Relationships of any type are extremely difficult when you feel worthless and unlovable. It can breed jealousy, resentment, and worse self-hatred. How do I know this? It is the world of isolation I've lived in for the past three years.

  Ever since I was little, I've been shy. It's so easy to just let friends come to me. After a few failed attempts to make friends at twelve, I shut myself off. Shyness, anxiety, and depression have thrived in the dark clam shell I created for myself. I've always blamed the people who initially hurt me. They did, after all, cause all the pain and fear of rejection that I have to deal with. Even so, some of the blame, perhaps most of it, rests on me.

  How many times have I pushed good people away? How many people who feel the same way I do have I failed to help? Have I caused the same feeling of nothingness and ostracization?

  My isolation is partially my fault. When I was hurt to begin with, I didn't deal with the problems correctly. I let my fears get the best of me and don't add to conversations. I avoid looking at people because I think they'll see all my flaws or say something cruel. Until the past week, whenever depression would rear its ugly head, I would let it take over me instead of fighting or asking for help. One time, a friend was upset, and for whatever reason, I didn't sit with her. And I wonder why I feel isolated.

  There are so many people who care about me that I ignore. When I was crying, a group of amazing girls ushered me outside and listened to my problems. Though some people do exclude me from circles of conversation, others welcome me. People who I barely know congratulate me when I do well or send me nice messages when they think I need it.

  "Goner" has a very special place in my heart, and the lyrics are becoming increasingly more important and urgent as time passes. The whole album Blurryface is about the lead singer's, Tyler's, insecurities. He takes them and makes them into the person named Blurryface. As the album goes on, you listen through Tyler's journey fighting Blurryface, and by the end, he realizes that Blurry is not who he is as a person. Blurryface is something that needs to be taken out, and "Goner" is his cry for help. Well, here's my cry for help. Please help me overcome my fears, insecurities, and anxieties, because if you don't, they will win. I don't want to think about what would happen if they won.

  I know it's my fault that I'm so sad, lonely, scared, and isolated. But if the past few months have shown me anything, it's that I don't have to carry this burden alone. My friend Anna has tried to convince me of that, but I think it's something that I needed to realize for myself. God made me in His image, which gives me a certain kind of worth. That human worth is what ties us together, and so I deserve to be allowed to ask for help simply by being alive.

  If anyone's held on to this point, thank you. I'm not sure exactly what I need you guys to do for me, but any kind of quality time is nice. Quality time is my love language, so words of affirmation or a couple of hugs won't help me as much as they help other people. If you see me, smile or wave so I know I can talk to you. If I sit with you, please, please acknowledge that I'm there.

  I want to be a better friend. But that's the end goal, not something I can do right away. Until I can be certain of my worth, that I'll be okay if one person rejects me, and that I am lovable, being a good friend will be hard, if not impossible.

"I need your help to take him out."

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in Five Words/Phrases

  Have you ever heard of a blind date with a book? Libraries and bookstores have started wrapping books in opaque paper and writing key words for readers to choose by, rather than just looking at the cover art. I think this is a great way to review a book, so here's my short, blind-date style review of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

• Magic
• Friendship
• Commentary on the foster care system
• Heroism
• Gripping

Love

Love comes in so many forms. 

Pity is not love.

I feel so loved coming out of Shine 2016. My real friends are just the best. My family is the best. 

As always, when I didn't break, there were the "I'm so sorry"s. Those are the worst. People who don't know or love me only care about how well I did and don't realize how much I hate pity.  

My friends were so supportive. They are one of the biggest blessings in my life, reminding me that if I gave 100% for God, He is pleased, that they first became friends with me before I broke and that me not breaking won't ruin our relationship, and even complimenting unrelated things (hair, face, body, clothes). It means the world that they love me no matter how I place and that I can succeed in other areas of my life. 

My mom was amazing at this tournament. She had such an important job that kept her really busy, but she always took out time when I needed her. She's one of the only people who knows how hard I worked and so when she hugged me, it wasn't pity; it was understanding. She saw the work I put into preparing my speeches. She knew how much it would mean to me to break, but reminded me that I have other opportunities and that she loves me no less than my wildly successful siblings. 

My sister didn't lord it over me when she did better than me. She did call me selfish, but in general, she contained her excitement that she could have used to make me feel like nothing. 

My brother hugged me because he knows I love hugs (even though he doesn't). He's the reason I started in NCFCA and met all my amazing friends to start with.

Thank you guys. 

I love you. 

Truce

  There are no words I can use to explain how much this song means to me. Every word touches me in a way nothing ever has before. It combines all the beauty and tragedy of living and tells me it's worth it.

"I hope I'm not my only friend."

  This line breaks my heart. No matter how many words of affirmation I'm given, I never feel good enough. I always feel alone. In a way, it's my fault. I let anxieties and fears hold me back from new opportunities to not be alone because of what's happened in the past. Yet, in another way, I can't entirely control it. It's not a choice to start shaking, hyperventilating, or have heart palpitations whenever I talk to someone. It's not a choice that when a relationship doesn't work I feel entirely like a failure and empty. 

  I've learned to love myself, but I still don't really like myself. I take care of myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually, but it's only out of a sense of responsibility, not because I think I deserve it. I want friends to help, but they don't have that responsibility, so they'd have to like me, which seems impossible.

  

2016: The Year of My Truce

  I can't stand being alone, especially now that I've come to terms with the fact that it's because of me. The only "New Year's Resolution" is to be more open to new friendships. Instead of feeling sorry for myself when I'm alone, I'll make an effort to not be alone. Otherwise, I'm just hurting everyone. If my mental health is ever in jeopardy, I'll pull back.

   The truce is very simple- I'll pursue joy and relationships, but I won't let complacency or fear of rejection hold me back. I think it's the best way to combat depression. Preventing loneliness by surrounding myself with good, supportive people and shaking myself out of this stupor of pretending to be okay when I'm anything but which I've been in for three years. It's time for change. It's time for happiness. It will be hard to achieve, but that's why it's a truce. 

  No matter what happens, I'll stay alive.