Love

Love comes in so many forms. 

Pity is not love.

I feel so loved coming out of Shine 2016. My real friends are just the best. My family is the best. 

As always, when I didn't break, there were the "I'm so sorry"s. Those are the worst. People who don't know or love me only care about how well I did and don't realize how much I hate pity.  

My friends were so supportive. They are one of the biggest blessings in my life, reminding me that if I gave 100% for God, He is pleased, that they first became friends with me before I broke and that me not breaking won't ruin our relationship, and even complimenting unrelated things (hair, face, body, clothes). It means the world that they love me no matter how I place and that I can succeed in other areas of my life. 

My mom was amazing at this tournament. She had such an important job that kept her really busy, but she always took out time when I needed her. She's one of the only people who knows how hard I worked and so when she hugged me, it wasn't pity; it was understanding. She saw the work I put into preparing my speeches. She knew how much it would mean to me to break, but reminded me that I have other opportunities and that she loves me no less than my wildly successful siblings. 

My sister didn't lord it over me when she did better than me. She did call me selfish, but in general, she contained her excitement that she could have used to make me feel like nothing. 

My brother hugged me because he knows I love hugs (even though he doesn't). He's the reason I started in NCFCA and met all my amazing friends to start with.

Thank you guys. 

I love you. 

Truce

  There are no words I can use to explain how much this song means to me. Every word touches me in a way nothing ever has before. It combines all the beauty and tragedy of living and tells me it's worth it.

"I hope I'm not my only friend."

  This line breaks my heart. No matter how many words of affirmation I'm given, I never feel good enough. I always feel alone. In a way, it's my fault. I let anxieties and fears hold me back from new opportunities to not be alone because of what's happened in the past. Yet, in another way, I can't entirely control it. It's not a choice to start shaking, hyperventilating, or have heart palpitations whenever I talk to someone. It's not a choice that when a relationship doesn't work I feel entirely like a failure and empty. 

  I've learned to love myself, but I still don't really like myself. I take care of myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually, but it's only out of a sense of responsibility, not because I think I deserve it. I want friends to help, but they don't have that responsibility, so they'd have to like me, which seems impossible.

  

2016: The Year of My Truce

  I can't stand being alone, especially now that I've come to terms with the fact that it's because of me. The only "New Year's Resolution" is to be more open to new friendships. Instead of feeling sorry for myself when I'm alone, I'll make an effort to not be alone. Otherwise, I'm just hurting everyone. If my mental health is ever in jeopardy, I'll pull back.

   The truce is very simple- I'll pursue joy and relationships, but I won't let complacency or fear of rejection hold me back. I think it's the best way to combat depression. Preventing loneliness by surrounding myself with good, supportive people and shaking myself out of this stupor of pretending to be okay when I'm anything but which I've been in for three years. It's time for change. It's time for happiness. It will be hard to achieve, but that's why it's a truce. 

  No matter what happens, I'll stay alive.

Alone

DISCLAIMER

I never want to be one of those girls who writes about being sad in hopes of getting attention. I really don't. This is just a huge issue for me (and has been for the past few years) and it seems time to talk about it.

There are two types of loneliness that I experience. The first is feeling like you have no friends and the other is knowing you do, but not being able to be with them. 

I can't say either is worse, because they're basically the same feeling. At least for me, though, feeling like I don't have friends brings on a lot of other negative feelings like inadequacy and insignificance.

Last year was entirely the first type of loneliness, and though it's still a struggle for me, it is a lot less frequent. Now, the second kind is more common. I've taken the people who make me feel alone out of my life and found new friends, but I can't see or contact them (because I was too stupid to get their emails and whatever.) 

This time of year- after camp but before tournaments start- is always kind of depressing (and I'm not just saying that. I know as well as anyone what depression is). And this year, it's worse than normal. Neither of my brothers are home anymore; one's at college and the other moved out and got married. I especially miss Sam because we always do fun stuff together, and if he was here, he'd cheer me up.  

So basically, I'm lonely and miserable every day. I want to contact people, but I don't want to bother them. What should I do?

Previously on…

  Previously on The Mundane Adventures of an American Teenager-

"I'm not okay. But you can't help anyway."

 

"I love you, but you made me cry myself to sleep last night."

 

 "I don't like you as much as my other friends."

"Okay. . ." *crying* "I love you."

 "Fine. You know what? I'm done caring. No one's opinion about me matters except my own."

"I'm finally happy with myself."

"I am so alone."

  Okay, so that was a lot different than most of my blog posts. I was motivated by someone whose blog you should check out to write something, but I wasn't sure what. I looked up writing prompts, and one said to write, including what would be in the recap of my life if it was a TV show.

  I suppose I can't leave you all with just snippets of my life. You haven't seen every detail. You won't know every detail, but here are the general portions vital to your understanding.

  When I was 12, I felt very ignored. No one was as interested in me as I was in them. In all my immaturity, I was deeply offended and personally hurt. Going through the rest of my relations, I began to question the motives of everyone I knew and was cynical of anyone who tried to talk to me. I turned into the shyest, saddest, quietest person you could imagine. Eventually, it wasn't even about how much I was hurting or how lonely I was. It was just who I had turned into.

  Time dragged on and I found my sad, lonely self at a high school camp for the first time. I already had some friends, and since I was so shy I mostly only talked to them. In fact, I built my whole being and happiness around one individual. The one person in whom I put my trust was the only person who didn't deserve it. This individual went around sharing in camaraderie with a specific group of people and didn't associate with me on the level which I felt I deserved. I was so confused and hurt, and finally decided to talk to the person. I said that I had gathered that I wasn't as liked as this person's other friends. The individual confirmed all of my suspicions. There was no apology or gentle word. All the "friend" left was an empty hole and searing pain.
 

   The next few days are a blur. I can't even remember what happened, but I don't doubt it was anything short of misery. I might have despondently done schoolwork. I might have cried my eyes out. I just honestly don't know.

  Finally, whether it was a few days or a few weeks, I learned to stop caring. This person had the stupidest reasons to dislike me: I was different from her and I was shy. With this healing I forgot about the other pains and learned to move past those, too.

  Life is a lot better, but it's still not perfect. I am sometimes sad and lonely, but I am okay and I am happy with myself.

I love rock

You name almost any genre of rock or stemming from rock; I probably like it. If I don't like it, I probably haven't heard it.I like rock and roll, classic rock, hard rock, metal, screamo, punk, pop punk, indie rock, ska, etc. 

I used to listen to rock to cheer me up. Screaming music was one of the only things that could lift me out of depression. Even though I'm not always sad anymore, I'm very protective of the music I listen to. My music has helped me more than you'll ever know, and more than I'd like to remember. 

I absolutely hate it when people mock my music taste. Someone once told me that rock beat is satanic and that any help metal has given me is evil and fake. Just think about this: someone who's not a Christian catches you as you're falling off a bridge to save your life. Don't you have the responsibility to thank them? Or should you have pushed their hand away and let yourself die?

God has given us so much. One of the first things He gives everyone is them self. Your family may abandon you; your house might burn down; your pets could die. But as long as you're alive, you have yourself. And it's your responsibility to take care of yourself. Your body is a temple of The Lord and made in His image. God loves you, and you should love yourself and do what's best for you. What's best isn't lying around feeling depressed; what's best is you being thankful to God for His gifts and you using them to His honor. If music made by Atheists helps you get up and do this better than Christian music, listen to it. 

Black Veil Brides and Fall Out Boy make me happy. They give me hope and make me more thankful to God for His gift of music than most Christian artists. Is that a sin? I really don't think so. 

Now that I'm not emo anymore and I'm happy more than 50% of the time, music has a different role in my life. It's not as much about making me happy, but instead, keeping me happy. A smile creeps onto my face when I hear a song from American Beauty/ American Psycho. When I hear older songs that got me through tough times, I bittersweetly remember what I was like. It's sad to recall all that pain, but it's so good to see how much better I am now and that I'm finally okay.  

What was the original purpose of rock music, anyway? Nowadays, there are so many broken people that rockers make it their primary concer to fix them. I think that's great, but as someone who is now fixed, I can appreciate the more rebellious intent of classic rock. 

In the movie School of Rock, the theme of rock is stated as "sticking it to the man." Doing what you love, no matter the obstacles and opposition. This should be our motto. Don't care what other people think. It's your life. Live it.

To Anyone Who's Sad

I wish I could hug all the sad people and make you all okay. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make your problems disappear. But we all know it's never that easy. I'm crap at giving advice, but here's one thing that's helped me heal and finally be happy with myself.

Don't care what they think of you.

Don't let anyone's thoughts about you change anything about you. Not who you are, not what you do, not how you see yourself. 

Focus on yourself, not the people bringing you down. You're the only person who will always be in your life. Take care of yourself because you're beautiful and you're God's creation and 100% worth it. 

Anxiety

  
  I think only one person knows this about me, but I get anxiety sometimes. I can't say whether it's chronic or medical, but it's real.

  The first time I can pinpoint that I have anxiety was when I was at a Christmas party at my older brother's friends' house. There were a lot of people I didn't know, and I had already been around people all day. As an introvert, I decided that I needed some alone time. I went into a room that looked empty, but there was already someone in there. My memories actually get fuzzy here. I remember I felt too warm, almost sick to my stomach, my heart was beating abnormally fast, and I couldn't breathe. The weird thing is, I remember swinging my head around, panicked, even though I know that never happened. I don't know if that gets the idea of sheer terror across to you, but it certainly does for me.

   For the rest of the evening, I was incredibly uncomfortable. I was shyer than usual and wanted nothing more than to leave. There was even a little bit of depression following my panic attack.

  The next few weeks were a lot better. I wasn't having panic attacks, but I was always scared that I would. The day before Superbowl Sunday was my next horrible outbreak. I was stressed about getting my school done, since if I wasn't done with everything, my grades were in jeopardy. Instead of working harder, I panicked. I couldn't breathe and basically just collapsed on my floor and sobbed for far too long. 

  I think part of anxiety for me is just feeling things to strongly. When I'm in line and people are smooshing against me, I freak out. If I start crying for whatever reason, I can't stop. When I get scared or upset, I start shaking. I feel nauseas or need to use the restroom if I even get a little excited.

  When I hear people laughing, I feel like they're laughing at me. I fear that I'll lose my friends or that if I do something that I need to, people will judge me for it. I can't order my own food or answer the phone sometimes. Even forcing myself to talk to my friends is hard, even though I really want to. 

  I make up crazy scenarios in my head and blame everything one myself. Everything. 

  Recently, I haven't suffered too badly with my symptoms except a little in social situations and with my dad. It's sad how much someone who I've know my whole life can worry me. My dad is an analyst. He makes sure that everything is right. I know that's important, but it's hell when I'm trying to do my schoolwork. I cannot do Spanish oral work if he's in the room. Last time I tried, I almost had a panic attack. I couldn't force myself to speak and I stalled, hoping that he'd finish what he was doing and leave. Finally, I burst out crying, and he got the idea.

  I'd really rather this didn't happen. I'd rather be able to practice Spanish in front of my dad and maybe even hold a conversation with someone. I just can't. It's not my choice to have crippling anxiety, and it's not fun or cute. 

  I don't know when I might randomly have a panic attack. So I guess I'm just telling all of you guys so I know someone knows. I don't mean to say that I want pity, I just want support. I don't need advise, that rarely helps. I think I just need to know I'm not alone. And if you have anxiety and no one knows, I'd reccomend telling someone you really trust. It's incredibly freeing. You're not alone in your struggle, it's estimated that roughly 40 million adults in the United States alone have chronic anxiety.